21 April 2014

Beauty Denied

Girls, why do we have a habit of dismissing compliments, yet we’re so fast to take insults to heart? 
If you dont know what I'm talking about,  then boo you're a liar. Lol, seriously though, do you remember that guy you met who told you you’re beautiful?.... No, didn’t think so. But you sure do remember the hater who called you fat right?.... Why? Because you paid mind to what was said despite the fact it didn’t matter. You yourself chose to dislike that person to this day and dismiss the person who saw the light in you. In the process dimming your own light and self worth.

I’m not even pointing the finger here because I’ve done this too. I grew up being the only black girl surrounded by white friends for ¾ of my  life and I felt like the ugly duckling among swans. Solely because I had more melanin. But as my friends group altered I realized it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was merely the fact that people are attracted to what they’re accustom to not what they're presented with. So sooner or later you acknowledge that the world we live in reacts to us based on our race, religion, education and socio-economics, and beauty, or lack thereof, is a part of that.

See the girls who break necks, the ones who everyone deems drop dead gorgeous are forgiven more easily, given more breaks in life, they get to cut in lines, get things for free, and command a room all without saying a word, but that doesnt mean their life is great and their whole life flows smooth. Just because you’re not that girl, don’t be the one who dims her own light simply because not EVERYONE sees your radiance.

I can see some people shaking their head thinking SERIOUSLY LILY??? Its not that deep.
But on the real, you can tell me all about chemistry and pheromones and the unspoken connection that happens between two people, But you CANNOT tell me when a beautiful girl walks into a bar that every guy isn’t noticing, isn’t assessing, isn’t hoping, wishing, plotting, planning, scheming, dreaming and wanting.  Y’know some of those guys are calculating their own beauty in order to determine their odds. Girls don’t realise that most guys at bars who are trying to pick up the most beautiful girl are the ones who base their entire self-worth on the appearance of their partner. Self- esteem isn’t only a female thing.

When you’re old and grey, telling your story you sure don’t want to start with:
“This is a story of a girl who turned out wrong, because she only loved things that couldn’t love her back.” —Sophia, Skins

You need to understand that no matter how loud your voice is, how talented or creative you are, how brilliant or funny or charming or kind or thoughtful, sweet, caring, loyal and honest you are. You won’t overshadow the kind of beauty  that society has ordained as a 10. It is visible everyone immediately sees it. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t dismiss the people who notice the change of your eye colour every season. The guy that tells you have a beautiful smile or the stranger that says they love your figure because at the end of the day you may not be the next top model but that doesn’t mean you’re not amazing.

After feeling so low about myself as a kid I grew up finding out that I can only be myself and hope that someone finds something Beautiful about me or in me, even if it’s just the possibility or the potential. But first and foremost I had to find that beauty and love it with all my heart. This sounds scary at first and it’s far from easy.The negativity though, those are the voices to block out.

When you learn that self-love is the key to appreciating someone elses love for you. You allow yourself to be ONLY you, whilst truly admiring all that is YOU! . The definition of beauty is not as pure as it originally was. You ARE beautiful even if society doesn't agree.

With that said, here are 5 things I love about Me, Myself & I. 

1)      I love the fact I have a birth mark on my left eye. When I was 11 my mum and the doctors thought it would grow so it was meant to be removed, which never happened for some reason. Safe to say we both love it now.

2)      I Love the fact that no matter how hard I try to hate someone when they hurt me, I simply cant. See don’t get me wrong I will cut your ass out of my life so fast but hating you or wishing bad on you is not in my character. My mums always taught me the value of forgiveness and moving forward. Everything in life is a lesson and its never easy to do but with time I’m able to let go of the hurt in my heart.

3)   I love the fact that when a close friend needs me in an important situation affecting their life I don’t think twice about extending a helping hand, If its in my power to make your life easier I will. I gat you ;) lol.

4) *ghetto voice* Lil mamas a mean cook yo! If y’all aint know then y’all missing out *Flicks hair* hehe! .

5) Ambition. I am full of it. So much has happened in the past couple of years and its been extremely overwhelming but no matter what, I have never and will NEVER give up on my dreams. Mostly because of the reasons I want what I want, but also because giving to those less fortunate holds value to me, I know how it feels to have and also to go without. Last but never least, because I want to cater for me and mine.

So #TalkToMeh ! 
What are the 5 things y'all love about yourselves.

     Lily x

10 April 2014

Fear Of Loving The Wrong Man (1)

Dear future Lover,

I’ve never referred to anyone as my “Lover” before , EVER,
 the depth of the word alone makes me giddy lol.  But the fact you’re reading this with me says that you’re HIM! , that handsome, kind, warm hearted, gentle and humble fellow who turned my world sunny side up. I know when writing this we probably haven't met yet, but please make me believe that it still exists inside myself to love another without regret, especially because I know you’re worth loving and I'll never ask anything of you; other than to love me (especially when I need it most), never lie to me and go on long adventures with me.

  You’ll notice in this that despite us not meeting yet. I speak of you highly. This is simply because I believe this world consists of so many mediocre things but love shouldn’t be one of them.  If you’re reading this then I am 100% sure I’ve never met anyone like you and you are my soul mate, I can’t exactly call you the love of my life because I expect to love you much longer, the love of my existence.
I hope that by the time I’ve met you my relationship with God has reached a new found depth, Only you will understand the reason for this, knowing all I’ve endured in life and how he never allowed me to crumble. I’m young, although I feel beyond my years...

You probably want to know a bit about me, so I will do my best to tell you the things you are curious about. Similar to how a gift isn’t defined by its wrapping paper, the love that we share won’t be defined by material things and exterior beings. I pray for you and I pray about us. I've seen great love and I've seen mediocre and the greats were always the realest.

You can tell me everything and anything, I promise to listen before I speak always. We may quarrel, yet always remember this, If our love remains so deep I’ll always prefer to lose an argument with you than have a happy moment with another. I’ll love my conversations with you, especially in the morning, because you are going to make my coffee or green tea taste perfect, for every single sip I take, while staring at you as you discuss something serious, sweet or goofy.

 I hope you know whenever you need me, even without words said, I’ll be by your side assuring, encouraging and exalting you through life’s storms. No matter what the world says, I want you to always know you are not alone. I promise to never compare you to another or make you feel any less than a king, my King.  My compassion will always radiate, although I’ll always be your partner I won’t hide the truth from you even when you are wrong.  Even more, I’ll celebrate you when you’re right.  Cheering you on the loudest. 
In our journey of life, May we never throw away the value of what our marriage union stands for, although, I am not in an illusion that things will always be a bed of roses or a fairy tale. I know through respect, honesty, integrity & genuine love that we’ll always remain best friends.

Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”  - Alphonse Karr.

I am so grateful for having an amazing and loving man like you, For I know overcoming the storms of life has made me become the woman you deserve to have.  

All ways, 


Love, Trust And Everything In-Between.

Sometimes a man’s purpose in a woman’s life is to make her a better woman… For another man.
But, somewhere along the line a lot of women become bitter women for another man. That Is where the whole philosophy Behind “Adopting a mans characteristics ” begins. Honey you cannot think like a man because you are not one. Trying to do so is just setting a trap for yourself, in a whole sea of pain.

Most men will call a woman “frigid” because she’s conservative with sex and in the same breath call her "loose" if she is liberal, either way you’re going to call her something. What’s up with that? I mean, no justification but you’re twice as liberal as her, out there dipping your nugget in so many sauces. You’re in no position to judge her for the things you and your brethren led her to. 
"Every sinner has a future and every saint a past" 
not to say that I approve of people's ways but, 
don’t judge someone just because you sin different, 
 I believe the saying goes 
“people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” .
“ Woman wants monogamy; man delights in novelty. Love is woman’s moon and sun; Man has other forms of fun ” – Dorothy Parker

Point being, Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love.
In Steve Harvey's words, 
a woman's love is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough. That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and circumstance. 

It’s in our nature to love HARD!.

Luckily, some of us learn to be smart about it, Knowing that if this man isn’t looking for a serious relationship, we’re not going to change his mind just because you're going on dates and being intimate. You could be the most perfect woman on the Lord’s green earth. Swear! Even if you’re capable of interesting conversation, you cook a mean breakfast, you hand out backrubs like sandwiches, make him laugh like Hart, even if you’re independent (which means to him that you’re not going to be in his pockets) and you do all you can in your power to make life easier for him. Putting his peace and happiness before your own. If he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he just going to take, take, take and NEVER give. The problem isn’t YOU, its him. You see, you can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink.
Everything in life happens for a reason and when we don’t learn from our ways life brings us right back to the same situation to see if we can press pause before the drum beat starts echoing disaster. 
A grown man isn’t so bothered about the women that aren’t right for him because hes focused on the woman who is. He knows that somewhere out there is that ONE female that ticks all the right boxes. I mean, imagine if men started treating women like equals, dreaming about that one in a wedding dress, rather than all of them naked. Less misogyny is all. Sounds like a fairy tale right?
I recently had a new found faith in the existence of soul mates. Everyone has that one person who they’re destined to be with. That person who makes them feel like they don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone rather than that someone who is just more weight to carry out of unrequited love. But how are you going to be ready for that right one if you keep giving yourself to all the wrong ones? Being alone doesn’t have to mean you’re lonely. Society has that jinxed.
I’m sure that if women laid out their needs early on, and let the guy they’re presumably dating know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on. A directive signal like that tells a man that you are not someone to be used and discarded by him. It tells him that what you have your benefits are you’re the right kind of special. That you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he DESERVES you and your ways. A man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay with you, but also get promoted and be the proud beneficiary of your benefits. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintain your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait.
Your mission is to avoid being on a string, right? Well simply get over the fear of losing a man by confronting him, I’ve heard so many girls say “nah, I can’t if I say that he might get upset and leave me” Girl please let him leave, you shouldn’t fear confronting your lover, he isn’t the government. Just stop being afraid already! Everything you fear in a relationship or do wrong is what leads you to making hoe decisions

That’s the choice a lady makes. So yes these hoes aint loyal (male and female). That’s why monogamy exists.

The only reason she will compare you to her ex is if you’re doing something wrong. When you’re so much better and she’s so much happier with you, no body compares. A relationship is a team not two people against each other. The only reason he will cheat is because he wants to, there is no clue. So don’t mix your past and you’re present, that shit will only leave you feeling blue.

So, Lily! What is you’re conclusion?

Well, Firstly, men should stick to being men and women stick to being women.
Secondly, Boys and girls, not all that glitters is gold.
Everybody needs to calm down, it’s not meant to be hard.

Lily Xx

Power Of Words

So, I once read this article about the theoretical and practical assessment of water memory and plant growth carried out by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto claiming “Do not offend water it remembers every word you say”. In the article Emoto carries out an experiment consisting of 3 plants and 3 water bottles. Each plant was labelled “Positive”, “Negative” and “Control” and a bottle was assigned to each one.

On day one of the experiment Emote filled the bottle for the positive plant with water and spoke goodness to the water.
 Script : (Positive)

“ You are a smart plant, you are beautiful. You know everything and will be the tallest plant ever! You are worth everything to me. You succeed at everything! You are the apple of my eye. I want you to live forever. You are amazing at everything you do. You are beautiful and admirable. I love you! “

He then continued the same method with the negative plant speaking negativity to it.
Script: (Negativity)

“You are stupid stupid stupid! You are an idiot too. You know nothing and you will never be able to grow. You are worthless. You are terrible at everything that you try. You are junk to me. If you die right now no one would even care. You will fail at every single thing that you try. You are pathetic and ugly. I hate you! “

And when it came to the control plant he just watered it in silence.
This experiment was carried out for 2 weeks and results showed the plant watered with positivity was symmetrical and aesthetically pleasing than the one with dark, negative words which was in worse condition than the control. Thus proving water has emotion memory and as a result produces either beautiful crystals or ugly shapes when freezing.

So y’all are probably thinking ok Lily! 
Where is this going? What are the implications of this?

Frankly if our words, thoughts and very consciousness affect the physical world around us, including water and plants, then our every thought, action or word leaves an imprint on every living thing we pass by. We are affecting the world in a profound way through what we used to think was the most miniscule action. We can no longer believe that our thoughts and feelings are powerless and invisible and never leave the confines of our physical bodies. Rather we have become aware that the exact opposite is true.

An average of 65-75% of water makes up the human body. Babies have the most being born at 75% water and the average adult human consisting of 65% water.  Although looking at the bigger picture. Earth is made up of 71% water…

Sooo… with all the negative energy roaming around and all the hate easily being passed on, Could it be that we’re self-destructing?

I never noticed the implications of negativity towards ones health until recently. You see last august I spent  10 days in hospital amongst doctors who decided it was best to put me in a ward with old women who couldn’t walk to do their number 1s & 2s , let along feed themselves. I was pressing my nurse bell solely to tell a nurse who did a shit in that open ward based on direction of smell (Yes I wasn’t a happy patient happy & asking to be moved made no difference). Every morning the doctors would come check on me they reminded me that if I wasn’t any better the next day or the day after they’d have to operate which would leave consequences every girl doesn’t want to hear “ You may not be able to conceive” if operated. But even though my mum was half way across the world she’d call me and stop my crying telling me

“Baby you’re strong! Don’t listen to what they say! You’re beautiful, smart and amazing. Don’t cry because everything is going to get better. You’ll be out of there really soon and you’ll have LOTS of babies heck you’ll have twins, triplets & quadruplets LOL!! Nothing is going to get in your way, you won’t need an operation you are healed"

 All it took was love, faith, hope & belief for me to feel better gradually & refuse to give into fear. I was let out with antibiotics and told to return in 6 months incase an operation was needed. instead of ”you’re getting better so we feel confident to discharge you a lot of progress has been made". I came home stressing and worrying”.

My mum flew home and I got better. 6 months later I was in an ambulance on the way to a hospital AGAIN. Negativity weighing heavily on my mind.  Arrived the hospital only to hear the paramedics shaking their head and dismissively telling me “next time don’t call us just go to your GP” (Too weak to talk I just thought to myself "because the GP is open at 2AM when I wake up in pain right? Bravo!! ") On arriving the hospital, wated for 2 hours then I was left on a stretcher in the middle of the corridor and told “it’s nothing serious you can go home” just before lunch the next day.

Got home and suffered THREE more weeks of on and off pain.
Then one evening my mum was on the phone telling her friend what I was going through, and her friend suggested praying over a glass of water with Psalm 24 every morning and night for 7 days. Within 3 days the pain was gone completely and I felt so much more happier and healthier.

Sooo… with all the negative energy roaming around and all the hate easily being passed on, Could it be that we’re self-destructing when loving sets us free?

 Y’all finna change or nah…  ?

                                                Lily Xx

Love And Lust

Love : a strong feeling of affection.

Lust : strong sexual desire.

By definition these two are easy to differentiate but in real life setting not many people acknowledge the difference.To be honest I believe this has a lot to do with society and the change in structure of family life.

A happy home usually consisting of both parents, who are genuinely in love and not afraid to express their love, loyalty and respect and this means kids grow up seeing a positive example of love and know how to express it. But hey, what happens to those who don’t? Welllll, Society steps in with “Sex will bring you closer” , “Guys cheat because its in their nature” , “shes a hoe but hoes make good wives because they know what guys want”.

FirstlyNO! Sex will not bring you closer, you’re just contaminating your soul.

Guys cheat because girls let them, he isn’t cheating with himself honey!

As for hoes they don’t know what guys want they just give everything they have to whoever wants it, with no complaint of self damage.

Lust is the desire for the body, love is the desire for the soul.

The desire of love is to give, the desire of lust is to get.

So actually; the difference between love and lust can simply be summed up by saying lust can be fulfilled by anyone or anything and is a temporary fix for that gaping emptiness, that in the long run only hurts you. 

But love is different, Love takes time, patience, and gratitude; it never leaves, it’s not a crutch for any pain, it’s a healer of it with a double edge sword, one that hurts more not when you’re the one in pain but when you’re the one causing the pain. Something much deeper and profound that has more potential in lasting longer is love.Love and lust are the thin line between a potential break up and that best friend who becomes a lifelong partner.

I once read that when a man loves, his entire being projects the caveman within, a natural desire to protect you, provide for you and proudly profess your place in his life, in turn allowing his woman to submit into honoring , respecting and catering for him. All the characteristics of a loved woman come into play when a man shows a woman unconditional love.

With this being said I want to touch a very misunderstood word here; “submissive”. When a lot of people hear this word they associate it with a woman being a door mat, which is not true. The truth is a woman naturally expects to be showered with love and in return she submits; she will support, encourage, affirm, advise and respect you. Thats what I call submission and  I believe thats how power couples are formed. 

As a man, once you hang up the jersey and learn that it’s better to be the team owner than a player , when you’d rather share your side of the bed, not just lend your extra pillow to a strangers head…when you trade in club nights and drunken conversations for movie nights on the couch and completely understandable silence! That’s when you’ve got the right mind set to being a man…having multiple women doesn’t make you the man, it makes you look unsure and incapable of making a solid decision…a real man always knows exactly what he needs in life and waste no time getting it when he has it in his sights! So at some point you’ll have to let go of boyish acts of selfishness and adapt to a man’s way of thinking! God is love and when you have someone real by your side; give them the best blessing this world has to offer…your heart!

Lily Xx