I thought I could despise you but I seem to be incapable. And, I’ve realized that it’s not because you hurt me; i mean, I can’t take away from the fact that you did,
but it’s because you fed me a medicine I’ve been served for too long. You should know that I don’t hate you, I really don’t. I can’t take away from the impact you left.
I genuinely wanted to be closer to you, I guess there was something about your aura, I detected so deep others didn't see. I’m all out of sorry’s and efforts and half smiles.
I also confess…
That I loved you the only way I knew how. It troubled me that even with that, I hadn’t mastered the skill of completely submitting myself to another which would explain how it was okay to block you out. But the world came crashing down when you returned the favour.
It wasn’t about you or her or you and her. It was about what you had allowed me to feel with you. Secure. For the first time in my life I could say I was worthy and when THAT happened, I was none of that anymore.
So, I confess…
That you’ve taught me to discover an identity and a worth independent of any opinion around me. We had a good run. The hurdles killed it, but it was good. And I wish you every ounce of happiness, genuinely. What I do have, is a stripped down version of me, peace, and whatever nature allows this to be.
I must confess…
I never understood you until I reached this age where I could. It’s come to my attention that all you did was an introduction to a strength I needed to possess knowing the state of my fragility.
That many tears have led me to sleep and the same tears I once resented, I now treasure with all my might. You see, those were the lessons not a single soul on the planet would or could ever teach me.
I also confess that…
You are the most beautiful person in the world and you receive no credit for it. Your eyes, oh your eyes sparkle as though not a hint of pain lays beneath them. And, your smile is so perfectly designed. Your hands appear as if they were carved today. And, even when life has given your body a reason to slow down; your shoulders an excuse to be slouched - you walk, elevated and it highlights your strength.
That I would be lost without you. I would know no truth and love would have no definition. Sacrifice would be a foreign topic to me and you deal with all 3 with ease.
You’re my hero and … I love you. I love you more than every drop of water in every lake and ocean and sea - combined.
I must confess…
I am a being made up of every emotion possible and I allow not a single one to rest on its potential. I challenged myself to feel nothing for anyone ever since the last one; this proved to be a foolish task. It is impossible that I could go through an entire day without a care for anyone around me. Love imbedded in my heart as though sewn through flesh, unable to depart.
That anything I feel is the furthest thing from calm. Whatever emotion attracts me, it will penetrate through my soul; be it anger or happiness or sorrow or like. Whatever it may be.
So I confess…
Like. That’s what it appears to be; this attraction and this fascination with this charm and stubbornness alike. The perfect humour and sense of dress. I can’t ignore the hint of trouble that one is surrounded with.
Now, understand I have had no experience with the substance but, I imagine that this…
This, is ecstasy.
My 4th (and) final letter is addressed to myself.
It took me a while and i’m hardly surprised.
When I look in the mirror,
I must confess
This wasn’t how I pictured 19. I anticipated a little more oblivion of the world, but I stare back at the eyes of a girl who is aware of more than she should.
I stress about disappointing you because nothing would shatter me more than receiving that look once again, understand the last one is still dragged around in my bag of stuff.
So I stand here confessing that I stare back at a figure that knows touch,
lips that don't lust, ears that know bluff and hands that reject trust; because they’ve seen too much and felt cuts.
That I worry sometimes. On nights like this I sit and I wonder and I worry about where I’m headed. I worry about what will happen when I get the degree, if I get the degree. Will it be a real scene or a snippet of my dreams?
I’m repelling every emotion that could magnet me to another even if this other could be THE other. I need you to follow me here… I said, I’m repelling every emotion that could magnet me to another even if this other could be THE other.
I feel like it’s just not the time, but, am I really in a position to preach convenience? Considering, God decides when to convene us?
I confess disorientation. I’m not sure where I am or where I’m going. I just know that I’m smiling more than usual, believing more than i used to and I’m laughing like I mean it, I’m crying once in a blue moon and i’m praying it doesn’t fade soon.
Signed: Lily Aaliyah♥
A modified letter to 4 people (2) my mother, (4) myself and the rest anonymous observations of other characters...