Confession

(1)
I confess….
I thought I could despise you but I seem to be incapable. And, I’ve realized that it’s not because you hurt me; i mean, I can’t take away from the fact that you did, 
but it’s because you fed me a medicine I’ve been served for too long. You should know that I don’t hate you, I really don’t. I can’t take away from the impact you left. 
I genuinely wanted to be closer to you, I guess there was something about your aura, I detected so deep others didn't see. I’m all out of sorry’s and efforts and half smiles. 

I also confess… 
That I loved you the only way I knew how. It troubled me that even with that, I hadn’t mastered the skill of completely submitting myself  to another which would explain how it was okay to block you out. But the world came crashing down when you returned the favour. 
It wasn’t about you or her or you and her. It was about what you had allowed me to feel with you. Secure. For the first time in my life I could say I was worthy and when THAT happened, I was none of that anymore.
So, I confess…
That you’ve taught me to discover an identity and a worth independent of any opinion around me. We had a good run. The hurdles killed it, but it was good. And I wish you every ounce of happiness, genuinely. What I do have, is a stripped down version of me, peace, and whatever nature allows this to be.
Love Lily
(2)

I must confess…
I never understood you until I reached this age where I could. It’s come to my attention that all you did was an introduction to a strength I needed to possess knowing the state of my fragility.
I confess…
That many tears have led me to sleep and the same tears I once resented, I now treasure with all my might. You see, those were the lessons not a single soul on the planet would or could ever teach me.

I also confess that…
You are the most beautiful person in the world and you receive no credit for it. Your eyes, oh your eyes sparkle as though not a hint of pain lays beneath them. And, your smile is so perfectly designed. Your hands appear as if they were carved today. And, even when life has given your body a reason to slow down; your shoulders an excuse to be slouched - you walk, elevated and it highlights your strength.

I confess…
That I would be lost without you. I would know no truth and love would have no definition. Sacrifice would be a foreign topic to me and you deal with all 3 with ease.

Finally…
You’re my hero and … I love you. I love you more than every drop of water in every lake and ocean and sea - combined. 
Signed,Yours Truly
(3)

I must confess…
I am a being made up of every emotion possible and I allow not a single one to rest on its potential. I challenged myself to feel nothing for anyone ever since the last one; this proved to be a foolish task. It is impossible that I could go through an entire day without a care for anyone around me. Love imbedded in my heart as though sewn through flesh, unable to depart. 
I confess…
That anything I feel is the furthest thing from calm. Whatever emotion attracts me, it will penetrate through my soul; be it anger or happiness or sorrow or like. Whatever it may be.
So I confess…
Like. That’s what it appears to be; this attraction and this fascination with this charm and stubbornness alike. The perfect humour and sense of dress. I can’t ignore the hint of trouble that one is surrounded with. 
Now, understand I have had no experience with the substance but, I imagine that this…
This, is ecstasy.

My 4th (and) final letter is addressed to myself. 

It took me a while and i’m hardly surprised.
When I look in the mirror,
I must confess
This wasn’t how I pictured 19. I anticipated a little more oblivion of the world, but I stare back at the eyes of a girl who is aware of more than she should.
I confess…
I stress about disappointing you because nothing would shatter me more than receiving that look once again, understand the last one is still dragged around in my bag of stuff. 

So I stand here confessing that I stare back at a figure that knows touch,
 lips that don't lust, ears that know bluff and hands that reject trust; because they’ve seen too much and felt cuts.
I confess…
That I worry sometimes. On nights like this I sit and I wonder and I worry about where I’m headed. I worry about what will happen when I get the degree, if I get the degree. Will it be a real scene or a snippet of my dreams? 
I confess
I’m repelling every emotion that could magnet me to another even if this other could be THE other. I need you to follow me here… I said, I’m repelling every emotion that could magnet me to another even if this other could be THE other. 
I feel like it’s just not the time, but, am I really in a position to preach convenience? Considering, God decides when to convene us?
Finally…
I confess disorientation. I’m not sure where I am or where I’m going. I just know that I’m smiling more than usual, believing more than i used to and I’m laughing like I mean it, I’m crying once in a blue moon and i’m praying it doesn’t fade soon.
Signed:  Lily Aaliyah♥

Written 11/03/2012

A modified letter to 4 people (2) my mother, (4) myself and the rest anonymous observations of other characters...

Queen Maya Angelou


The ease with which she made profound statements with small words speaks volumes... She taught me that life isn't one dimensional -to live is to explore every facet of your being & make mistakes along the way. She turned pain into poetry 

The epitome of feminine, power, grace and endurance. An angel long before she passed. We will never forget what you said, we will never forgot what you did and we will never forget how you made us feel. Thank you for every word of wisdom and for making us acknowledge that we will encounter many defeats but we must never be defeated and that when you get, give. When you learn, teach.

Thank you, Dr Maya Angelou, for teaching the rest of us how to use words with bravery and grace to reach out to the world. R.I.P

The Other Side

YOU release your words 
and worries soar away like birds...
but on the other side
Sorry gains no clarity
Just pity and charity.
wanting a new city.
with walls so high,
blocking lust
waiting to find out if love runs through you.

Your ways arent cheap, 
but on the other side
empathy flows deep and
Each wound refusing to seep. 
Can't break a heart thats already been shattered 
even if once your words mattered.

See, when you're a Queen at heart,
Forgiveness is an art.
Forgetting?
not so simple.
Especially when they strike,
on the other side
and at each lie
you sigh
because they like.
that the person in the 
mirror doesnt match 
their reflection thats when 
You know you have to catch 
your reaction.

See they say you're a good writer 
your words a highlighter , 
because on the other side
You cant stay 
bitter 
and loved ones want you 

better. 
not knowing, 
you're on the other side
knowing

The company of cold hearted souls
can
never
leave
you
whole....  

Forget the dust...
 invest in the gold!

The dream...

(Text messages.)

Him: Hey Beautiful, how you doing?

Me: Hey :) I'm good and you? Whats up?

Him: Yea, I'm good, I'm good. I'm actually tryna find out what you're doing Saturday? Thought maybe we'd hang out 😋

Me : Saturday night?

Him : nah girl, day time. I know you ain't a fan of the night scene.

Me: lol , nothing in the afternoon. What'd you have in mind?

Him: it's a surprise, text me your address :D , I'll pick you up at 2?

Him: by the way, what kinda flowers does your Mom like?

Me: lol charming. Lillies 😎

Him: lol I figured. So I'll see you Saturday x

Saturday.

Quarter to 2 and my heart was racing anticipating that Knock on my front door. 

At 5 to 2 the doorbell rings and I hear my mum answering the door to greet him "Lily never told me you were this handsome! , come on in young man. I'm her mum nice to meet you!" I hear him chuckle and shyly reply a "thank you" , whilst handing her what I assume to be flowers from the crackle sound of plastic wrap. She should be down in a second why don't you give them to her. "No ma'am these are for you, thank you for allowing me to take your daughter on a date" 

I stroll downstairs watching my mum smile at him approvingly. 
Hey I'm ready I smiled shyly as they both turned to look at me. He was starring and I was hoping it was in a good way. 

"You look beautiful" he mumbled shyly, in my mums presence. My breath returned as I smiled wide thank you, you don't look so bad yourself I replied.  It's cute how he fumbled with his words. "The flowers are beautiful mum we're gonna go now, I'll be home at 10"

Closing the door behind me as we walked to his car and he opened the door for me, closing it as i sat down.

Soo.. Where are we going? I asked,
"It's a surprise, don't worry I have the whole day planned out" 

we got to know each other through
the drive to this secret location, he seemed interested in my passions, aspirations and family. It was nice being asked about me for once by a guy in an appropriate manner. He was actually really smart and funny.

Parking right infront of Dublin zoo, I couldn't contain my excitement.
"Omgosh! You're taking me to the zoo!!! No way! I love this place! How did you know!??? "

He chuckled, "Your best friend told me you love panthera and Disney amongst other things and since theres no Disney land here, the zoo it is. I was worried you'd be disappointed assuming you've been here a lot.

I smiled, "no, I'm excited!!". He did home work on this date. wow! he actually invested time into finding out what I love! I mean I've been here a lot at least once a year when I was a kid but not since I was 16, a good 5 years ago.

Just as I was about to open my door he stopped me, "nah I'll get the door. Women don't get doors" I smiled shy not knowing what to reply.

He opened my door and we walked over to the entrance, took out my purse only to find us entering with tickets he'd already bought. 

The day flew by, it was interesting learning about him and his family and listening to jokes about things the animals were doing. 

3 hours later we decided to head back to the car and go for a meal. But for some reason he parked in the Phoenix park right infront of the perfect sunset and told me to put blindfolds on. 

5 minutes later and still blindfolded, the car door opened. 
"You can come out" now he chuckled shyly, "grab my hand and don't look so worried"

I loosened up, placed my hand in his and got out of the car. We stopped 10 steps away as he removed the blind folds to showcase the most amazing lil picnic arrangement with my favourite foods.

Observing me nervously, he scratched the back of his head and cleared his throat trying to catch my attention as I looked on amazed with my hands at each side of my face.

"Lily!" He chuckled, sitting on the carefully laid out blanket and patting the ground beside him, "come sit down."

shyly nodded, as I sat down mumbling a thank you, no one had ever made so much of an effort for me before, I never expected this from him of all people even after being friends for so long.


The food was amazing and so was the company. As the sun disappeared and it began to get cold he gave me his jacket and we packed the picnic things back into the car. The ride home consisted of out of tune singing along to Will.i.am, Pharrell and Tyrese and laughing on both sides. It was fun. 

We arrived my house and once again he stopped me from opening the door rushing to my side to open it for me.  We walked to the door both silent and smiling.

You told your mum you'd be home at 10 right? I nodded agreeing. Great it's 9:30 so we ain't in trouble he wiped his forehead dramatically sighing as I chuckled at his silliness.

 "Thank you for a fun day" I said looking at his shy grin. "It was my pleasure, I hope we can hang out again some time?" He asked.

"Yea I'd like that" , I mumbled shyly, "call me."

"Will do. Goodnight beautiful."
I smiled, uttering " Good night" back as I leaned in to kiss his cheek. 

Watching him walk back to his car as I walked into my house....



And I woke up from "the dream"

Yes! this hasn't happened to me either lol, yet....

I think the scariest thing in the world is that you never know someone's intentions with you. But when was
the last time someone ran their fingers through the knots of your soul. Mentally capturing you by touching you without actually touching you? 

We're surrounded with the understanding that we need to pursue rather than be pursued. When the actual fact is that a young Queen should never chase anything but her dreams. Don't lower your standards because you're surrounded by lower standards. 

Not all men are the same so stop chanting it like a mantra.

Theres a guy out there who is going to spoil you with his loyalty, keep it 110% real with you no matter what and stay by your side even when things get hard. He'll never cheat and forever invest in helping you become a better version of yourself each day bringing out the best in you. Constantly showing you he loves you instead of just telling you. He'll genuinely be interested in knowing the dustiest corners of your soul and the brightest glow of your heart. 

God never made you to be lonely or alone. But if you keep tying your soul to others that were never ordained for you, as they strip away your happiness and peace. You're connecting with all their messy vibes and meeting YOUR soul mate becomes a challenge. 


    Remember ,

            "Not all that glitters is gold"





Lily Aaliyah x

Faith Over Fear !


I recently started a new book called "Mother Of Malawi" By Al Gibson, This book tells the story of The beautiful Mrs Annie Chikhwaza, founder of Kondanani, a beautiful village in Malawi dedicated to caring for young orphans.                         Its a 317 page book but so overwhelming to the point that after page 65 I was so overwhelmed on my flight home from Belgium I just had to close the book and look outside, seeing nothing but blue sky's & clouds does tend to give you epiphanies. Annie speaks of how she endured sexual abuse from men from the age of eight years old, how her mother continuously told her she would never amount to anything. She speaks of how she went from working in a mental institute to being placed in a straight jacket & being rescued to being in an abusive relationship but through all this she selflessly cleaned, cooked and cared for those who had no voice despite being told to stay away from the "dirty people" , risking her life to give hope to the hopeless, countless times starring in the face of death having faith that God  was in control. Molested, divorced, attempted rape, attempted murder, beaten close to death and the death of her beloved 2nd husband. Yet she refuses to be deflated.

It's one thing when YOU know your OWN trials and tribulations, but to read someone elses testimony and weep is another thing all together. After everything I've been through in life God has always given me the strength to get past it and faith in him to carry me through, kept me together even when I felt like giving up, it was never my own power.  No matter how much I slipped or how little time I gave him he has been by my side reminding me that challenges are for champions and this realisation is what makes the devil try harder with your life. Faith over fear is what God wants out of each and every one of us. When you realise that there is power in the name of God then you will keep pushing forward towards him instead of letting the devil blow you around like a leaf in the wind. Break those chains because what you can perceive you will achieve. I hope to one day do more for others and encourage those that feel broken. Maybe even put my life into a book and change the lives of those whose hearts need to feel what I'm feeling having felt what I've felt. Never doubt what God can do for you or who he uses to do it.
Happiness is your portion. No matter what you have done or been put through. Depression, sadness & a loss of understanding towards ones path are all too prevalent in this generation. But if you've got your feet on steady ground and realise that you need clarity because you cannot be hammered down by things you have clarity about. Every ones in their own lane & fighting their own pain.                                                            If you guys get a chance pick up the book in Easons it'll be worth your while!
- Lily Aaliyah x